Sibling Assignment #53: I Don't Care Anymore

For this week's sibling assignment, my sisters and I are focusing on a piece of music we listened to between the ages of twenty-five and thirty as a way of opening the door on some aspect of our life back then.

IEGirl's post reminded me of being in the British Museum in January or February of 1979 and with the treasures of the world stuffed into room after room and I couldn't get the Donna Summer hit, "Love to Love You, Baby" off my mind. It's a great song to view the Elgin Statues by. Take a few minutes. Listen to this great song. Pay special attention to the male dancer in the white tights. He was who I tried to dance like at the Kellogg High School Class of 1972 10 year reunion:



InlandEmpireGirl's last dance down Donna Summer memory lane is here.

If you are like me, you think the ages 25-30 are possibly life's most difficult years. I think you'll find that Silver Valley Girl would agree. You can read her post of struggle and her search for hope and purpose here.

Here's mine:

I was newly divorced in the fall of 1982.

Whitworth College had hired me that fall to teach full time for a year in the English department.

I had a little extra money, so I went to The Crescent in Northtown and bought a color television set and a Betamax and I subscribed to cable television.

MTV had begun its programming a year earlier, in 1981, at midnight, August 1, opening with The Buggles "Video Killed the Radio Star" and I caught up with all I'd missed on MTV with my new television and cable service.

Phil Collins was a stranger to me.

But, the more I watched and listened to MTV, the more I realized that Phil Collins and I were kindred spirits.

It all began with his video "Can't Hurry Love". At first, I thought it was a gimmick. Phil Collins covered the Supremes' supreme song and he played a three-man singing group. Phil Collins sang lead and Phil Collins sang and danced back-up. If you take the time to watch this video, I hope it makes you feel good and you might even feel that warm anticipation toward the end of the song that the video will segue into the lovable face and cool hip eighty talk rhythms of Martha Quinn. Unfortunately, it won't, but stay tuned to this post. Martha will arrive.




I bought Hello, I Must Be Going, the LP that "You Can't Hurry Love" appeared on. The more I listened to the album, the more I realized that the split Phil Collins on video wasn't a gimmick.

It portrayed the emotional truth of Phil Collins.

And the divorce he had been going through.

Phil Collins' album Hello, I Must Be Going is a concept album built around the confusing, soul splitting, consciousness severing experience of divorce. "You Can't Hurry Love" tells the truth about how affection develops between lovers, but it's also a song about healing. You can't hurry getting over a divorce and Phil Collins' video portrays multiple sides of his person as he heals and recovers and as he doesn't.

The song that most hammered me, though, opens with Phil Collins' ominous hammering on his drum kit. Throughout "I Don't Care Anymore" the ominous drum hammering continues and makes Phil Collins' repeated declarations that he doesn't care anymore increasingly ominous.

He doesn't believe himself.

Fear colors his assertions.

He cares.

A lot.

He has to tell himself he doesn't care anymore, but his declarations becomes weaker.

In October, 1981 Eileen and I went to Prince Puckler's ice cream parlor in Eugene for a dish of Bittersweet Nugget and suddenly we weren't seeking sweet refreshment or respite from our studies. Eileen wanted to be released.

Last night I listened to Bill Fitzhugh's All Hand-Mixed Vinyl program on XM Radio's Channel 40 and in the midst of his latest mash up came Three Dog Night's "Liar".

With that bowl of Bittersweet Nugget ice cream I became a liar.

I told myself, my friends, my family, my soon to be ex-wife; I told strangers at the bar, students during my office hours, little Willamette River eddies near the Autzen Stadium footbridge the lie that I didn't care anymore.

"I'll be all right."

"It's a new start."

"It'll be fun."

"I don't care."

Liar.

Cue the Three Dog Night.

Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Ain't that what you said?
Liar, Liar, Liar

Cue Phil Collins:

Well
you can tell everyone I'm a down disgrace

Drag my name all over the place -
I don't care anymore.
You can tell everybody 'bout the state I'm in

You won't catch me crying
'cos I just can't win -
I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore

I was a liar.

So, Phil Collins helped me get as real as I was capable of being at the age of twenty-eight in my state of bittersweet rage and desire.

PS

Here's a clip of Martha Quinn. It can't be embedded.


And here's the first video that ever played on MTV: "Video Killed the Radio Star". It can't be embedded.

In case you're wondering, the second video was Pat Benatar performing "You Better Run":