I'm Introverted: Anything Wrong with That?

Introverted <-----------> Extroverted

Tragedy <----------> Comedy

Quiet <---------->Boisterous

Romantic <---------> Political

Reflective <---------> Engaging

Imaginative <--------> Derivative

Intuitive <-------> Perceptive

Idealistic <-------> Skeptical

Neurotic <-----------> Manic

I'd enjoy hearing from other introverted people whose jobs demand that they be extroverted.

This is the dichotomy I live in. Professionally, I make it work in my work as a teacher. Somehow, when I'm in charge of a classroom or when I act in the theater, my introverted personality becomes extroverted and I have a place in my life where I can open up and give myself over to free expression.

It exhausts me, but I do it and enjoy it.

This past weekend, at our Kellogg High School multi-class reunion, I was sharply aware of my introverted nature and of my shyness.

While inner tubing on the river, I was fine. I was with Joni, Wanda, Scott, Bruce, and Mike. I see all of these friends often, or, in Mike's case, have had several telephone conversations.

I was loose and free with these guys, being a smart alec, making lots of fun of my inner tube failures, listening to their stories.

Once I'd gone home and returned to the larger party, anxiety welled up at the root of my guts. I wanted to find a place where I could watch people, listen to stories, maybe even be approached by others, but I was scared to initiate conversation.

I'm introverted. I become more so the older I get.

I kept looking for places around the bonfire where I'd be in the company of one or two old friends. I avoided rings of old friends. When I did shyly join some of the rings, I just wanted to listen to people's great stories and laugh, but I didn't really have many stories to tell.

I spent my younger days, minus a few weekends here and there, studying. After high school, while friends were chasing girls they didn't know along I-90 with CB Radios or closing down bars and heading on road trips to Montana and shooting guns at cattle and tennis shoe-ing meals at small town cafes, I was reading Chaucer, studying the Old Testament, learning how to teach, and falling in love with poetry and history.

I couldn't work at the Bunker Hill any more. I had been disabled physically. So, I mainly went to school and wrote papers and studied. I spent a lot of time alone and grew to like it.

I know that my introspective personality has caused confusion because in certain situations, I can be effusive, even loud, and sometimes draw attention to myself.

Most of the time, this isn't true. I come off as distant, aloof. It's shyness. It's me retreating, trying to find a way to be left alone. It's a confusing dichotomy, to enjoy people, but to want to be left alone.

I came home from Friday night's reunion gathering exhausted. I was very happy to have seen people, but introverts find intense interaction with people, even good friends, exhausting. I was exhausted.

On Saturday, I looked forward to rejoining everyone, but I needed to nap beforehand; I needed to fortify myself and fight off the introverted temptation to skip the afternoon gathering. I had a great time, but I couldn't go to the evening gathering uptown at Dirty Ernie's.

I needed to retreat. If the bar was loud, I knew I couldn't face the prospect of having to raise my voice to talk to people. I enjoyed the other settings because I could talk quietly and be heard.

Introversion seems almost un-American, doesn't it?

The American personality is outgoing; slaps backs; moves easily from one person to another, smiling, open and expressive to all.

I've tried to be this way and it doesn't work.

I leave parties early. I don't talk much at meetings. It's very hard for me to get together with people I don't know well.

Five days of teaching each week, of happily going against the grain of my introversion, leaves me exhausted on the weekends.

I've quit going to church because I need to rest from seeing people. Sunday has become my Sabbath to be by myself. I know my priest doesn't understand. He doesn't understand my struggles with depression. Why should he understand my struggles with introversion, except to tell me another story about himself that's irrelevant?

My introversion at church has cost me being asked to preach any more. It will probably cost me my license has a lay preacher. I love to preach. It's that odd dichotomy again.

I'm becoming increasingly private, although I'll tell classes of students things I don't tell people in smaller social settings or one to one.

Communication on the Internet works really well for me.

That's it.

Maybe I'll have stories another time.

For now, I just wanted to confess to anyone who cares to read it: I'm introverted and becoming more so all the time.

If you know me, maybe that explains some things.