Sunday, July 8, 2007
Imposing My Will; Sunday Scribblings: Slippery
I look back over the nearly forty years I have struggled with clinical depression, and one damning reality stands out: The harder I try to get my way, impose my will; the harder I try to hang on to something or someone, the more what I want becomes slippery and shoots, like a fresh perch, out of my grasp.
It's the hell of obsession. Slippery, slippery obsession. The hell of it is not knowing if I really want the wife or the lover or the sex or the music or the food or the shoes taken off in the house, or whatever it is I vociferously insist upon, or whether it's having my will be done, which translates into a feeling like I matter.
It's the hell of obsession, of compulsive desire. Not only do I fix upon the person or thing I convince myself I want, but I attach my measure of my worth to attaining this, and make it, by my obsessiveness, impossible to attain.
The lover, the wife, the sex, the shoes off in the house slip away and I fall into a pit of self-recrimination and loathing, which makes me, of course, even more undesirable than when I was obsessing and trying to get my way.
Depression, obsession, the futile imposition of will, begging, whimpering, shouting, grabbing, shirt pulling, please don't go, hanging on tight, squeezing, dry heaving never increases traction; these efforts at tightening my grip have only made things more slippery.
The stories are too many to recount whether playing sports, in marriage, at work, discussing movies, with girlfriends, helping raise kids, deciding what to eat, what movie to see, anything where suddenly I felt, for my depressed, warped sense of self-regard, I had to have my way.
I pressed. I insisted. I often exploded. I got animated, far beyond the situation's worth.
Things never worked out.
They always slipped away, sometimes slowly, sometimes right away, but always slipped away.
It's what makes depression madness, not sadness.
It's vain. It's self-centered. It's futile.
It's a slippery way to live and be.
More slippery Sunday Scribbling posts here. Especially beautiful is my sister, InlandEmpireGirl's, post, here.