Store Review: Smelterville Wal* Mart

In reviewing a store, especially a multi-purpose store like Wal*Mart, the first thing I look at is the perimeter.

Store perimeters have to be strong. The shopping experience goes from the perimeter to the center of the store. Does the perimenter have a bank? Lottery tickets available? Easy access to tobacco? Is there a McDonald's? Better yet, is there a hot dog stand? Are there small tables to sit at with friends or children to have a hot dog and a 40 oz. pop? How about broasted chicken and JoJos? A deli?

You get the picture. Any store can and usually does have produce, dairy products, meat, bread, and other standard shopping fare on the perimeter of the store as you walk farther around the perimeter.

But I want to know what makes the perimeter unique.

By this standard, the Smelterville Wal*Mart needs some work.

First of all, every Wal*Mart I've ever visited, from Hayes, Kansas to Springfield, Oregon, from Bozeman, Montana to Hendersonville, North Carolina has had the service that makes Wal*Mart famous: the greeter.

The Smelterville Wal*Mart has no greeters. Maybe it's because I am nearing my mid-fifties and am already thinking about post-retirement employment opportunities, but I wanted to have a cheerful greeter help me secure my cart and ask me if I needed any help.

Moving to my left, the customer service counter looked efficient: returns, money orders, rain checks. But, I wanted real customer service available: Powerball tickets, scratch-it tickets; this is the Silver Valley. Aren't there some left over confiscated video poker machines? How about a few pull tabs? You know, a couple of Texas Hold 'Em or Blackjack tables could be opened with the help of the Historical Preservation people, as a way to celebrate the days that have died in the Silver Valley.

No hot dog stand. Very disappointing. A self-serve fountain bar with a tower of newspaper machines selling the Shoshone New Press, yes. Hot chicken, yes. JoJos, yes. I looked closely to make sure that Wal*Mart hadn't gone Huckleberries or Lindaman's on its faithful customers.

Nowhere near the chicken did I see the words "rosemary", "orange glazed", "free range", "almond butter" or "Greek, Lemon, Oregano": for this the Smelterville Wal*Mart is to be commended.

Why ruin a good take out chicken? Just broast the damn thing. That's what Wal*Mart does, and I trust that the chicken is well-preserved with sufficient amounts of salt.

As I moved in from the perimeter, the Smelterville Wal*Mart was impressive in its quantities of goods and its everyday low prices.

Just a couple of disappointments. A family member wanted to try Paul Newman's Limeade. None to be found. That made me wonder: had Wal*Mart let some kind of political statement interfere with good business? Come on. Get on the Paul Newman bandwagon!

Second: no sparkling water. No Calestoga, no Talking Rain. Are these considered hippie drinks? What's the deal? I'm trying to cut down on sodas. I need your help, Smelterville Wal*Mart!

Lastly, I loved the Wal-Mart associate who wanted me to sample some new Lipton White Raspberry Tea bags, and when I declined, she won me over by offering me a NASCAR race schedule and some products produced by NASCAR sponsorers.

She was surprised when I lit up at her offer of the schedule and we had a good talk about how it's hard to appreciate NASCAR in Smelterville with the races being so far away and I said I'd drop everything to go to one if they were closer and she said she probably couldn't afford to go even if they were near by and I decided not to ask her about the pay and benefits she earned at Wal*Mart because I was reviewing the perimeter, not looking to go all Michale Moore on her, and any way, I needed to find my sister who was getting my mom some lipstick, but we'd lost my sister and I didn't want to get separated even more in this big old Wal-Mart Superstore.

It's a new day in Smelterville. No more rodeos, demolition derbys, logging contests, mining competions, carnival rides, swindling carnie games, or drunken free for alls in the streets at Frontier Days.

No, now there's a new Forest Service office and a new Wal*Mart.

No greeters, no slot machines, no hot dogs, no Newman's Limeade: all disappointing.

But one thing for sure: Wal*Mart gives Smelterville some cred it's lacked for a long time.

I liked seeing shoppers looking happy that they could buy a iced tea making set or a tub of sweet inexpensive vanilla ice cream or, if they wanted, a Canon Power Shot digital camera.

They don't have to go to Coeur d'Alene.

Ponderosa Pinings: Me and Mrs. Santa Claus

If you are a reader of Silver Valley blogs you've got to go visit Ponderosa Pinings where a fellow 1972 Kellogg High School graduate, Pinehurst in My Dreams, has been writing smashing posts about her childhood in Pinehurst and Smelterville. Her memory is sterling. I am already indebted to her for how much she remembers about our first and second grade years at Silver King Elementary School that I had forgotten.

Recently, she wrote, here, about when she and I were Santa Claus and Mrs. Santa Claus in the Silver King Christmas Program in the first grade. I have a short story to add to her memory.

Playing Santa Claus in the Silver King Christmas Program was my second big role in a row. The year before, at the Kellogg Kindergarten end of the year pageant, I had played Mother Goose's cat, which had me in every scene of the Mother Goose pageant and gave me the chance to chase the three blind mice.

So that our family could properly enjoy the Silver King Christmas program, we went to the Sunshine Inn beforehand for some dinner.

I remember thinking that I needed to eat plenty so I could be a good, fat Santa.

Therefore, I counted the number of French fries I ate. I wanted to please Mrs. Morical. After dinner, I walked into the Mrs. Morical's classroom and announced:

"Hi! We went to the Sunshine Inn for dinner and I ate a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, and a pickle and I ate twenty-three French fries."

I stuck out what little belly I had and did what I thought was a great imitation of Jackie Gleason. I was dramatizing how perfectly fat I was after twenty-three fries to play my role.

I remember Mrs. Morical laughing, giving me a squeeze around the shoulders, and helping me get packed into my Santa Clause suit.

I remember thinking back to this when Robert DeNiro gained forty pounds in order to play the washed up Jake LaMotta. It was my first experience with Method Acting.

Three Beautiful Things 03/31/07: Valley Tour, Belly Laughs, Poker

1. Touring the Silver Valley today with Mom, Silver Valley Girl and InlandEmpireGirl: among other things, we drove to Elizabeth Park, Moon Gulch, Terror Gulch, up Canyon Creek to Gem and Burke (and all points before and in between and after), ate lunch at the 1313 Tavern, drove past Silver King Elementary school and looked at the remains of the Zinc Plant, and toured Smelterville.

2. My sisters and I laughed hysterically when we said that the electric garage door at Silver Valley Girl's house could be opened by saying "Paul Riep" and closed by saying "Marcella". We are the only three living human beings who get that joke.

3. Ron, Ed, and I drove to Coeur d'Alene and met up with Bruce and Scott and played poker for five and half hours or so in Scott's boat. What happens on Scott's boat, well, wouldn't be understood outside Scott's boat! Pictures forthcoming.