Saturday, January 19, 2008

Sunday Scribblings: Depression My Fellow Traveler

Before I begin my own post on fellow travelers, I highly recommend my sister's piece written about her first two dogs. I love it and other readers have, too. It's a gem. You'll find it here. Furthermore, you can find a whole bunch of fine posts on this topic, here, at Sunday Scribblings.

This past week I was walking up to the door to enter our house and I suddenly realized a very familiar companion was at my side.

It was the wish to escape and leave this world.

Please don't call a crisis line on my behalf or send me to the psychiatric ward. This wish to escape is never accompanied by the idea of me doing it to myself.

It's simply a wish to float away, to be free of the oppressive feelings of low self-regard and meaninglessness that start to blanket my thoughts and feelings when another round of depression breaks into my psyche and my heart.

The weird thing is, this feeling of depression and darkness is like an old friend.

As I walked to the door, I smiled and said, "Well, old friend, there you are again. You've been away for a while."

The depression never answers me, but just keeps weighing down.

Sometimes it's hard to know just who is occupying the person that others from the outside recognize as me. But, when a wave of depression hits, I always know who I am and I feel dark feelings and have dark thoughts that are familiar.

The challenge? What do I do with these thoughts and feelings and how do I best interact with my wife and my fellow instructors and my students when I know another invasion is under way?

First of all, stay medicated.

This familiar fellow traveler wants to undermine me in so many ways: it wants me to snap at friends and wax paranoid thoughts to the Deke; it wants me to go to bed, sleep, not exercise, and feel the isolation of sleep; it wants me to procrastinate, to put off grading papers, doing laundry, writing in my blog.

This fellow traveler is very selfish. It wants all my attention and wants to run my life.

It's very hard for me to get out from under its wishes. I have trouble saying "no" to this old familiar companion.

I've slept long hours this past week during the day instead of doing my work. I'm behind already. I was not at my best in the classroom, but managed to make things work.

I did snap at a couple of fellow teachers and had one fellow teacher wonder what had happened to the sweet and reasonable person he usually knows me as.

I just didn't feel like introducing him to my fellow traveler and explaining.

Today, I'm writing. I'll start grading those papers I avoided by sleeping. I'll go out with Snug and see the world, and maybe even photograph it. I'll post a writing assignment on line and other information I'm behind on getting to my students.

I'll call my mother and wish her happy birthday.

I'll start pushing my fellow traveler away, as comfortable as I find it, and travel again along my road less traveled, the road of good cheer and positive action.

I'll invite a new fellow traveler, one who is traveling to help me, not traveling to undermine me and whisper dreadful thoughts in my ear.

13 comments:

Christy Woolum said...

thanks for the kind words about my post and for explaining your absence this week. it sounds like you are taking positive action. i look forward to pictures from the world when you get out there.

MarmiteToasty said...

Wrapping your traveller in a itchie blanket so he dont get to comfortable in your house.....

I wanna see photos of yours and snugs world.......

be safe

x

Shari said...

Thank you for sharing about this part of your life. It may help people who are going through something similar, but think they are alone. Most people don't want to talk about it.

MGM said...

I'm sorry for the reunion with this particular friend that you are describing. I also respect your candidness. I wish you well, and I'll remember you in my prayers.

Katrina said...

What a poignant description of depression; it's the sort of country that is hard to imagine for those who haven't been there, but you do a good job of opening the door. I hope your old friend finds somewhere else to be soon.

Robin said...

Knowing what you're up against and how to show him the door is half the battle.

I hope this unwelcome visitor quickly senses the climate and looks elsewhere for hospitality.

Tumblewords: said...

You did an admirable job of relating this event. Most avoid mention of it but I believe many people find this traveler with them and haven't the strength to push themselves into movement that disallows the fellow a spot to stand. Well done and good luck!

GreenishLady said...

It must have been some journey to learn how to deal with that companion as you do. Well done, and I hope getting out and getting on with those plans will help to create distance between you and the "old friend". You describe it so well.

Anonymous said...

This is one companion we can do without. However, he is there at one time or the other. e learn to deal with him in our own ways.

Thanks for this thoughtful post..


leveller

Anonymous said...

This is amazing writing!!!! Please remember to keep pushing the mongrel away! I hope with all my heart and soul that your new travelling companion is close by ready to travel by your side on a happy, positive and motivated journey.

myrtle beached whale said...

I think Sunday Scribbling is great for you. You find you have a family you have never met.
http://myrtlebeachramblings.blogspot.com/

susan said...

I admire your honesty. So many people hide their depression. Over the years I've learned how many people suffer because I've known so many personally. I've had to deal with imbalances of my own so I admire you sharing this.

Thanks for the read.

Anonymous said...

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