Long Absence Over

You know how Dirk Nowitzki will score like 24 points through three quarters of an NBA playoff game and then mysteriously disappear in the fourth quarter and score maybe four points as the pressure and tension of the game grows?

For the last couple of months I've felt like a fourth quarter Nowitski when it comes to this blog.

I disappeared.

My computer got swiped.

Then I got pneumonia.

But now I'm back and I'm going to get my Paul Pierce on and score on this blog late in its game, not just pile up posts in the early phases of kelloggbloggin'!

A brief reflection on being ill: the fatigue, loss of energy, apathy, listlessness, hunger for sleep, slow ambulation, and malaise of having and recovering from pneumonia created for me a whole new reality. Sometimes I so profoundly forget what it feels like to be well that I start to think that being ill is well. I begin to think that I should be out doing things, going back to work; I begin to think that I'm actually well and vital, not ill.

It's a weird sensation, starting to think that ill is well. It upsets my sense and memory of wellness.

But these last couple of days, I've started to feel a little bit more well, sometimes for a couple of hours at a time. I have been reminded of the sensations of wellness. The confusion between ill and well starts to dissolve.

I went through this same confusion when I was recovering from bacterial meningitis in 1999 and on into 2000.

I made a big mistake then. I returned to work way too soon, confused as to how ill I was; I'd forgotten the way it felt to be well.

I made it through the winter quarter of 2000. Some weekends I slept from Friday afternoon until Monday morning, being awake only to eat and relieve myself.

I was stupid. I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again.

I'm not making that mistake.

I am on medical leave for the rest of this academic term. I am not being a fake hero, pushing myself to work before I'm ready out of some sense of duty, obligation, and false inner strength.

I don't have inner strength that's stronger than this illness. I didn't have inner strength stronger than meningitis. When I was 19, I did not have inner strength stronger than the SO2 and zinc and magnesium and cadmium dust I inhaled in the bottom of the Zinc Plant roaster.

I rarely have inner strength stronger than my bouts with clinical depression.

I hear people say that in times of suffering, we need to draw on our inner strength to get through it, even to triumph over it.

I don't have that strength.

I have to rest, sleep, and recuperate.

I'll leave heroism in the face of illness to others. All that trying to show I have inner strength in the face of illness has done for me is make the illness worse.

Why would I want to become more ill? To demonstrate I have strength that I don't really have?

Three Beautiful Things 06/17/08: Celts, Grades, Pizza

1. I deeply enjoyed listening to the Celtics completely dismantle the Lakers on XMRadio. I want to make a case for Kevin Garnett as the MVP. Everything the Celtics do is predicated on their defense. Leader of the defense? Kevin Garnett. He had a double figures in rebounds and scoring. Who else has achieved this feat in the history of the NBA? Here's your list: Bob Pettit, Elgin Baylor, Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Walton, Moses Malone and Shaquille O'Neal. Lastly, Garnett is the heart and soul leader of the Celtics. He had my vote for MVP, but just the tiniest fraction of a milimeter over Paul Pierce, who slashed, defended, yelled, muscled, and jump shot the Celtics to victory. My attitude and regard for both Pierce and Garnett has escalated over the last four weeks. It really feels great to hold these two players in such high regard.

2. Grades done; grades submitted; spring quarter nearly over. Some housekeeping to do tomorrow or the next day and my summer studying, reading, writing, and so on begins.

3. Adrienne is here for a visit and tonight she became our pizza maker and the pizza was brilliant.

Three Beautiful Things 06/13/08: Harlan Joy, Paul Pierce Respect, Tiger Woods Awe

1. I read my WR 122 students' papers on Harlan County, USA. When I planned this course, this was the one "text" I had the most doubt about. I absolutely love this movie, but I didn't know how it would play for my students. I need never worry again. Not only were my students' insights thoughtful and illuminating, many expressed being blown away by the movie. Reading their words of enthusiasm filled me with joy.

2. I went back to Linda's work area in our division office and we broke down Game 4 of the NBA finals and marveled together that the Celtics came back from a 24 point deficit and won that game. For me, the highlight of our post-game analysis was our agreement that Paul Pierce has played with the strongest resolve we've seen in a player for a long time. He's just plain tough.

3. Linda and I also broke down the US Open. We didn't know, as we talked, that Tiger Woods had charged up the leaderboard with a 30 on his back nine and catapulted himself into second place. We talked about Woods, though. We agreed that we have loved every moment of watching him play. Linda and I know golf. We know the difficulties of the game. We are in awe of Tiger Woods' skill and mental strength and of his charismatic presence on the golf course.

Three Beautiful Things 06/08/08: Bloggin' Like It's 1999, Day Off, The Truth

1. I blogged a lot today. I've been wanting to get some thoughts down about some movies and did it.

2. Blogging a lot today meant I didn't do any school work. I took a break. Five more days to go and the quarter is over -- not to mention the school year. I'm rested and ready for the last big push.

3. Paul Pierce is turning out to be a better, tougher, more versatile, rougher offensive and defensive basketball player than I had ever known him to be. I have this outdated image of him in my mind when he and Antoine Walker were the Celts' big cats and, even though I didn't watch that team much, I had it in my head that Pierce was just a gunner. Maybe he was in 2002, but he's doing it all in the playoffs, especially right now against the Lakers.