Happiness: Kinship and Friendship

Over the last couple of years, I've assigned my students a kind of simple article written by Steven Reiss for Psychology Today entitled "Secrets of Happiness". 

Reiss argues that we experience happiness most reliably and durably when we live our lives in keeping with our values.  His argument opposes the idea that happiness comes from pleasure, what he calls feel good happiness, a short term form of happiness, at best.  Rather, his article at least indirectly works to persuade us to examine ourselves, recognize what our most basic emotional/spiritual/non-physical desires are.  These desires are at the root of what gives purpose to our lives and help shape and define our values.

I've asked students to write essays responding to this article in a variety of ways.  I've asked them to work with Reiss' argument, for the time being, trusting that if they want to argue with it and disagree with it, they'll do that on their own.  For now, I want them to extrapolate his argument from his article and apply it elsewhere. 

I've asked my students to explore the basic desires they see at work in reading we've done (e.g. in Buffalo for the Broken Heart) and, this quarter, in a short film ("Family Tree").

Eventually, though, this question of value-based happiness has to come back to the students examining their own lives, examining what they most deeply desire, what their values are, and what success they have living in accordance with their values.

This same line of self-questioning has been on my mind a lot lately.

Retirement has brought it on.  If, over the past thirty-five years, since I began working as a college level instructor, I have looked to my work for my happiness, it would make sense that I'd wonder about what I'll do to be happy as I work less.

Over the last thirty-five years, I've experienced periods of volatility, particularly with broken relationships.  During those times, my work helped me stay grounded.  I was always happy in my work, happy with my students, and happy with my colleagues.

But, with retirement, I am not as involved with these things.  I teach two days a week.  I don't see many colleagues when I'm at work and I don't spend much time with students outside of class.

I was realizing, as I neared retirement,  however, that while I've always enjoyed teaching, and still do, my career has not been my primary source of happiness.

I realized that what I desire most deeply is a sense of belonging, of togetherness.  I knew I couldn't look to Lane Community College for a reliable sense of belonging.  My students and I were together for ten weeks and we were done, except in cases where students enrolled in more than one of my courses and in the even rarer cases where I became friends with students and those friendships developed beyond LCC.

With several colleagues, I feel a sense of belonging, but, increasingly, it wasn't because of our work that I felt this sense of belonging, but because we developed friendships, friendships that will endure beyond any of our time working at the college.

You probably see where this is going.  A reliable sense of belonging drives my spiritual and emotional desire: it's my basic desire.

I most fully experience this desire being met with friends and kin, in friendship and in kinship.

It is in friendship and kinship where I most clearly see as well as understand my values and most clearly see and understand the values of the friends and family I care so much about.

What values?  Love, loyalty, acceptance, reliability, understanding, trust, and care.

I know that when I am easily extending my love, care, understanding, and trust, am accepting, and feel reliable, I'm happy, no matter how much pain I might be in physically or how much stress I might be under in my life.  The happiness is deeper than whether I feel good.  It's deeper than my anxiety or sadness, deeper than discouragement or frustration.

I do all I can to live in accordance with these values -- and before long I'll write more about the friends and family in my life where I experience the happiness that comes from living this way.