1. I didn't have to go anywhere today. So I didn't. The dogs established a new record this morning by whining and nosing me out of bed at 4:30 a.m. to be fed and to go out. Later in the morning, I napped and kept dreaming about being asleep in the Sube in a Denny's parking lot and then I backed up the car while asleep and couldn't wake up and I couldn't stop the car and I started having dreams inside my Sube dream and, frightened, I shook myself awake in both my dream life and my earthly life and spent time reassuring myself that I wasn't in the Sube, that I wasn't in an unstoppable car, and decided I would do all I could tomorrow morning to persuade the corgis to get up and eat a bit later in the morning. I rose from my nap and toasted myself a bagel.
2. In the afternoon, Christy sent me pictures from Mom's backyard of the work Christy did to put wood chips down where Mom's raised boxes used to be and how she got Mom's yard decorations out and it all looked perfect. Carol was in Mom's house cleaning Mom's bedroom and putting things away upstairs and Everett was painting his and Christy's garage and Paul was filming in Wallace and came to Mom's later and fixed Mom's toilet. Christy reported that Mom was energized today. She toured her yard to inspect Christy's labor and Christy sent me a picture of Mom sitting on the deck, looking happy and healhier, eating dinner with her daughters and their husbands.
3. Sometimes when I'm alone, like I am now and will be for the next six or seven days, I get obsessed with my confusion and vivid memories come rushing forward from all stages of my life of things I've done when I honestly didn't know what I was doing and screwed things up. None of these memories are pleasant. They erode my self-confidence. I reprimand myself. To get out of this rut, it helps me to watch television shows where people seem to know what they are doing, where things work out, where clarity and competence vanquish confusion. I've watched countless episodes of Forensic Files over the last few years and I know that it presents stories in which ghastly things happen, but that in under a half an hour, the crime gets solved and I can be reassured that moving from confusion to clarity is possible. I watched four episodes of Forensic Files this evening. Each episode horrified me at the outset, but I knew the investigators would piece together the fragments of evidence into a coherent story and satisfying resolution, always told masterfully by Peter Thomas, It worked. I quit berating myself and enjoyed watching other people enjoy the success of thinking clearly and getting it right.
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