A short informative tract: for most who suffer depression, it is not sadness but madness. For me, madness is the state of confusion when what is happening in my life is out of step with how I feel about what's happening. I kick a dog barrier because I bumped it. That's out of whack. I love my work. I feel apathetic. I have slept over eight hours. I don't want to get out of bed. My feelings and mood don't fit with what's actual.I'll keep it short today. My batteries are draining. Apathy is permeating me. I'm fighting it. I'm fighting off sleep. I don't know who will win this one.
This post really isn't about me. I learn more and more about depression as I listen to others who suffer from it. I'm thinking of two of my students. One feels overwhelmed by the idea of showering because it will take too long. Sounds like madness doesn't it? That's depression. Another student, who is as industrious and imaginative of all the writers I'm working with right now, felt guilty when I encouraged my students to look at the possibilites before them when they write, not what is the least they can do. She thought I was talking about her. That's madness. She suffers from depression.
Depression's first line of attack is perception. It dirties the lens through which we see the world. Incongruity results. And madness.
Recently, if someone reacted to you in a way that seemed incongruous with the situation, if you thought to yourself or said to someone else, [insert name] is mad, you are probably right.
But it might not be madness of character.
That person might be suffering from depression.
That person probably seems more mad than sad.
I'm going to try to right my ship of madness today.
I'm going to try to shake out of my lethargy and get free of the apathy I feel.
There, I wrote it.
That helps.
5 comments:
I hope yer feelin' better.
By the way, that's one freaky pic. Looks jus' like Pelosi did in that dream I had of her the other night.
(shudder)
Sounds like a very shitty day and that is one freakish picture. Maybe you have no choice other than to ride it out. In the meantime, it may help to take some steps to treat some of the symptoms. Take Snug for a walk, get some ice cream. I know, stand in front of a mirror and smile at yourself for ten minutes. Get out of the house. No kidding, find something to laugh at - go rent What About Bob and watch it. Have a beer or six. Fuck, I'll bet if I was hanging out with you right now you'd be feeling better in no time. If nothing else, remind yourself that these episodes eventually pass. Check out that old Steely Dan tune; Any Major Dude Will Tell You
I never seen you looking so bad my funky one
You tell me that your superfine mind has come undone
Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again
When the demon is at your door
In the morning it won't be there no more
Any major dude will tell you
Have you ever seen a squonk's tears? Well, look at mine
The people on the street have all seen better times
Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again
When the demon is at your door
In the morning it won't be there no more
Any major dude will tell you
I can tell you all I know, the where to go, the what to do
You can try to run but you can't hide from what's inside of you
Any major dude with half a heart surely will tell you my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart falls together again
When the demon is at your door
In the morning it won't be there no more
Any major dude will tell you
Charles is right. Smiling will help. I read that somewhere. You don't even have to stand in front of a mirror and do it. Something about the muscles in your face and the connection to your brain.
I really hope you feel better soon. We love you.
Atta Boy. You da man. I was in Costco last night and saw the light lamp. Know anything about them? I'm thinking...maybe?
Ahhh....yes the old smile, grin and fucking bear it!! Good stuff. I sure wish it was that easy!! Not to sound like a big fat cliche (but I am obviously going to) "And this to will pass." I say that alot to myself in fits of "madness"!! Nothing helps. Breathing only authenticates that you are still alive, which you don't always want. Looking at the face in a mirror, it could definitely end in 7 years bad luck when you throw something at it. Free sounds so wonderful.
Do you do that where you can't shower sometimes because it takes up too much time, I do. I have never admitted that to anyone besides Issy but, interesting that someone else knows!!!
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